EMMAWAD

  THE CONCEPT OF RICE AND CHICKEN FOR CHRISTMAS In this part of the world, the meal you prepare for Christmas could determine your social class. It is an indicator of how wealthy or poor you are. While there are a variety of meals to have on Christmas day, one has been standing out for years; Rice and Chicken. Even as the price of rice keeps escalating year after year, it is the go-to meal for Christmas, especially for the common man. In the year 1999, a bag of rice was sold for N2,500. In 2014 it went as high as N10,000 and in 2020 it is competing with the minimum wage; N30,000. According to @EuginhoCortez “at this trajectory, a bag of rice will cost N250,000 in 2035.” We are going higher, yes we are! As a little girl of 6 years old, I recall eating rice (especially Jollof/red rice) and the wings or toes of a slaughtered chicken every Christmas day. The taste of the rice was different from your everyday rice and the chicken, very crunchy. It was and still is a tradition. Tho...

  UPON THE MOUNTAIN   “What would happen if you do not make this jump?” She asked herself while standing on one of the highest points of the Olumo Rock. She got to that point with the company of other tourists chatting their lives away and taking memorable pictures of one another. However, the majority of the crowd took the road more travelled by; the stairs that looked newly built to help the young and old. Here, a lift(s) will be a bad idea knowing the nature of our electricity system. We call it kpa na kpa na!   Being the daring type, she decided to take the route less followed; the inner rocks. She got past the shrine where the tour guard had explained they sacrificed animals to the gods who in turn protected tourists from any danger. Some rocks looked like humans turned into stones; they have been there for thousands of years. It was a marvel, all she wanted to do was to go further until she got to the highest point of the mountain. It would be one grand achiev...

  VULTURES IN THE CITY "I heard you saw one recently. Did you testify such just to make us cautious or what? We bury our dead here and it is not a carnivorous environment either so what are you saying?" "I am not saying anything new. Yes this is the city but would you say you are not familiar with the dropping of abled bodied men lately? Have you not heard and perceived odors in the wee hours of the morning when you are struggling to get to work. Yesterday did we not witness the body of one Omeri lying helpless from the brutal cuttings of brutal ritualists? Or that of our friend Zezi who never made it to church. It is a year after and no one has seen or heard from him. So, my friend, there are vultures in the city now. We all know where to go to find what to eat so the new jollof rice for vultures is here." "Well, I will not totally agree with you because I have not seen any. Until then, I believe we are safe. At least this jungle is not filled with hun...

  WE ALL CAN’T BREATHE Your world is not safe when many around you cannot breathe freely. It is even worse when you try to find air but die in the process. If you ask why you can’t breathe perhaps you will blame yourself for voting in thugs to see to your interests. You will be angry at your father for not fighting against bad governance when it was still a 101 course. You will scorn your ancestors for allowing a stranger into their land and telling them that Sango and Amadioha were the bad guys. But the pressing issue is finding air. So, you do not want the blames to keep tormenting your sanity and chance at life. Thus, you protest, peacefully. Without guns, swords, machetes, you match to various centres in the country, seeking everything that would make you find peace; seeking a good life because you know how blessed your land is. You are proud of what you are doing, you see the future in front of you, the revival of the green land and the peace that would reign. You see your c...

  THE MEET UP “I dreamt I missed the rapture,” he said to me. “There are terrible things I have been thinking of lately and I know that is the reason why.”   I asked what terrible thoughts have been dancing to the disco in   his head and he answered, after arranging his thoughts properly so that God will not send an angel to whoop his mouth, “YOU. Please do not say anything. Let me speak my mind as quickly as possible because I might never confess this to you. I want you to be my wife. However, I know God will not accept you because you  are of the world; you put on trousers, makeup, you attend parties and dance to corrupt music. These are the only obstacles to us being together in holy matrimony. You have to turn to God so he can save you and we will both  make heaven together.” I recalled when we used to p lay in secondary school. Lawrence was the people’s guy that stepped into the room and everyone went  woahh . He did not think of rapt...

Since she started buying her sanitary towels with her hard-earned money, she opened an excel sheet where she created data, updated every month. This also accommodated the contributions of her parents during her early years and each month after an update, the amount would draw closer to buying land in Epe… She hardly used condoms but her boyfriend buys a pack once in four months, sometimes 6 months. Once he got it for free. It was a souvenir at a wedding party. It lasted for al most a year…   They call it KONJI! When it falls upon you, it is like an electric shock. If you are strong enough it would go as soon as it came. If you are not, well you will have to do “the do” although making sure it's with someone pure of any infectious disease. If you are not sure then you have t o use a raincoat so no devilish rain will drench you towards death. The condom becomes your PADI, that's if your KONJI a llows you to even think up to this level…   From Medieval times, menstrua...

“Driver you no sabi anything. Abeg give me space make I show you how to beat this yeye traffic wey be like wetin winch dey invoke to life.”   That black uniform, that desperate voice making us question what the law stood for these days, was part  of us Lagosians returning     home from our various hard-knock lives, on a Friday evening, 7:00 pm. From Obalende to Yaba we prayed for a free passage since Lagos signed a con tract with “go slow.” It is not the only thing slow about us.    The Police become your friend when all odds are against the populace. They can even break the law to make you safe. Isn’t it ironic? The Police become your friend when it rains and they need shelter in your store or your vehicle or your shack. The police were more than a friend to us when we found ourselves positioned in a single spot for an hour. Traffic became our common enemy. Passengers cursed, drivers lamented: “petrol wen pesin buy today now go finish today.” Radios w...

“Look at his feet. Check that he puts on good shoes. Make sure that mohawk, gallas and parting are not part of his hair-cuts. Hey! Don’t forget the skinny jeans and body hug shirts. Yes! Remember he must be educated. God forbid he is from the East; an Anambra indigene! Pray he has the AA genotype. Well… he could be comfortable but rich would be better-the best. Make life easy for everyone by ensuring he is God-fearing, a Christian. Also, it won’t be a crime to google his family history to be on the safe side. But remember that height     is a necessity these days for success. Don’t introduce your lineage to the dwarf society. Don’t worry… nothing is impossible for them that trust God. It is well my daughter.” I would like to travel to space, another planet; Pluto, Mars, Neptune, Jupiter. Earth has not favoured me so far. Mother’s words are my morning alarm and night lullaby. I wait, breathe, sleep, talk, dance, eat and drink her words not because they are poetically p...

“Do not eat like an animal Bomi. Wherever are you from? I told you to close your mouth while munching or you just might make others lose their appetite.” “Sorry Mrs." Said Bomi. “It is I’m sorry ma!” Said Mrs Dagogo. Bomi tried to adhere to her warnings by sitting straight, taking his elbows off the dining table and chewing with mouth closed, which lasted but five minutes. Unconsciously, provoking sounds ca me out of his mouth, food particles dropped on the table and the tarred floor was marred. The fork given to Bomi only decorated his right hand while the left did the job of the fork. These did not go unnoticed by Mrs who cursed herself for her action which she considered stupid and a spur of the moment. She was on her way to work that morning when she witnessed an angry m ob pour ing their wei ghts on     a little boy accused of theft. Pleading on his behalf, she asked what he had stolen. It was an apple. Mrs paid the mob for twenty apples and brought the little ...

There’s absolutely no big deal about this lockdown and the coronavirus outbreak. Despite my tentative unemployment and fear of the unknown, the shutdown means nothing. It is like another sixty-day public holiday. The type you get for no reason – like the collision of a few work-free days and some weekends. So that instead of closing on a Friday and resuming work on Monday, you enjoy your bliss from Thursday till Wednesday. Then the churches are closed. All football matches are cancelled. And there is a compulsion to spend this normal public holiday at home with your family. Exactly this is what the lockdown is for me. And there are no lessons to learn anew. No "aha" moments of any kind. Life is the same and there is no newness under the sun. The only exceptions are the things I noticed. One of such is that Zainab (my immediately younger sister) and I do not see issues in the same light. She was a youth corper in Ibadan until the family convinced her to come home, just bef...

Her voice jarred in my ears like an un-snooze-able alarm as she narrated to her colleagues how her sex partner could not satisfy her the previous night.  I stood at the bus stop that day for over an hour waiting to get a bus. It had not been easy for car-less residents of Lagos since the Okada and Keke ban. You either struggled or wobbled to get yourself home. I was usually part of the wobblers .  That day had a vibe on its own that could send the devil himself to hell unwillingly. The sun refused to set way after past 6, the air was at attention, and car owners were very unfriendly... would you blame them? When this bus rolled up in front of me, I felt like Angelina Jolie in the Tourist, all I did was stroll in effortlessly. Yes, there are still some of us who think life is that easy. A group of 3 ladies and 3 men followed suit and we all started with this journey that would lead to another, in that Korope (mini bus). There would be wild thoughts and great rea...